


Day 5: Cruelty

by vampirepunks



Series: Blood & Water: Moments from N7 Month [4]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Character Death, Background Shepard (Mass Effect), Between Canon, Canon Temporary Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Nihlus Kryik Lives, Post-Mass Effect 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirepunks/pseuds/vampirepunks
Summary: Nihlus Kryik loved Jane Shepard... Now that she's gone, he has to figure out a way to move forward.
Relationships: Nihlus Kryik/Female Shepard
Series: Blood & Water: Moments from N7 Month [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000095
Kudos: 7





	Day 5: Cruelty

Documents clutter his desk; old mission reports, comm transcripts, eyewitness accounts, interviews, and news articles all litter the surface. Nihlus stares long and hard at it. It’s the first time he’s truly looked at it from a distance, seen it as a collective whole, the mess evidencing his obsession. He spent the month after the Battle of the Citadel brooding over every shred of information he could find on Saren, looking for some sign of when he lost his trusted mentor. 

Avitus resigned from the Spectres and encouraged him to the same. He warned Nihlus to let this go, to stop trying to find answers. He couldn’t… Just couldn’t let it go. He needed to figure it out, needed to know whether or not there was something he could have done to stop Saren in his tracks, to know for a certainty if he could have turned him from the dark path he was on, if only he’d seen it. 

_Maybe I just didn’t want to see it. Maybe it was right in front of me all along._

The battle in Citadel Tower taught him, in the harshest of terms, how cruel the Reapers could be. Sovereign had gutted Saren, replaced parts of him with itself, siphoned off the man’s very soul, and filled the void with false promises. He’d helped Saren pull the trigger. Though it hurt in ways Nihlus had never known before, he’d set his mentor free of the cage Sovereign had built around him. Sovereign added insult to injury by using Saren’s corpse as a weapon against them. Still, Saren didn’t have to live through it; a small last mercy Nihlus had given him. It was necessary--what it cost him didn’t matter. At least, he didn’t think it did at the time. Things are different now. 

Jane Shepard, Red Horseman of Elysium, Hero of the Citadel… is dead. She’s dead, and he’s left here with nothing but a pile of documents that haunted him day and night. He’d been so focused on solving the puzzle, seeking some peace with Saren’s downfall, that he’d missed what was right in front of him. The worst part of it all is, _she understood._ She’d never judged him for it. She'd come over every chance she had, just to be in the same room with him. She’d sat on his lap while he worked, offering comfort in her touch and her words. She’d poured him cups of coffee and stroked his neck, pulled him away for precious moments to offer distraction and sanctuary from it all. He can’t bring himself to sleep in his bed, because her scent still stains the sheets. Her ghost haunts every inch of this apartment, reminding him of every mistake he’s made. He hadn’t even had the guts to go to her memorial--though he’d heard John had made a dreadful scene and shut it down on a sour note. 

He’s been here, stuck in stasis, wandering the Citadel, asking himself once again if there was something he could have done, asking himself if any of this is real or some nightmare that never ends. Worse yet, there are whispers that the Shadow Broker has been trying to recover her body, for leverage or sale, no doubt. 

He lets go of restraint, screams from the bottom of his lungs, and flips the desk. He shreds the apartment, tearing shelves from walls, smashing the chairs into splinters, tears the closet door off its hinge and snaps it half. There, on the floor, where it fell from the knob, is her red jacket. He falls to his knees, cradles the worn leather to his face. Her most precious possession, here in his apartment, hanging casually on the closet door. He never noticed it. How did he never notice? He knows… _knew_ her well enough to understand the meaning of the action. Leaving that jacket in his care when she left for a mission was a symbol of her ultimate trust. It said, _I’m here to stay._

His rage stops dead in its tracks, and a single motivation takes over. He has to go. He has to bring her home. And he has to let go, not of her, but of the life he’s had. He can’t stand by while the galaxy besmirches everything she stood for. Nihlus has to find a way to protect the galaxy without the help of the Council. He has to prepare, take over her work, ensure that Jane didn’t die in vain. And to meet those needs, he knows what it’ll take. _Nihlus Kryik has to die._ No loose ends, no one chasing after him, no one to get in the way. So he goes to the Council, asks them for the riskiest operation they have. They’re hesitant, but they send him to the edge of the Terminus on a high-stakes undercover mission. It’s perfect--no one will think twice when he disappears. He folds her jacket with gentle hands and places it in the bottom of his mission bag. 

_I’m going to stop the Reapers, somehow, my love._


End file.
